Disney Classics (Ranked)
Walt Disney Animated Feature Films from 1937 to 1998
On March 17, 2020, I put together a list of 20 of the most highly regarded Walt Disney Animated Feature Films from 1937, all the way up to 1998 — the Classics. When I put this list together, the COVID-19 pandemic had just started hitting my home town of New York City quite hard, and therefore, me and everyone I know were forced to quarantine. I made this list with the hope that if I watch one of these a day, the COVID-19 pandemic would be under control by the time I was finished with it.
Obviously, that didn’t happen… But this coronavirus has come, and one day, it will go. It brings me great joy to know that these Disney Classics are here to stay, as long as we’re here to watch them. I was ranking these 20 films as I was making my way, chronologically, through the list. Here’s what that looked like when all was said and done:
20) ONE HUNDRED AND ONE DALMATIANS (1961)
Somebody freakin’ feed Rolly before I get mad!
19) POCAHONTAS (1995)
John Smith and Pocahontas wordlessly stared at one another for fifty-eight unbroken seconds when they first laid eyes on each other. Take notes. Eye contact shorter than that is a sure sign of a doomed relationship.
18) THE JUNGLE BOOK (1967)
For 75 minutes, Bagheera struggled to bring Mowgli to the humans, but it wasn’t until he saw a pretty girl in the final 3 minutes that he decided the human life was the life for him.
17) FANTASIA (1940)
I’m fairly certain I just watched our beloved Mickey Mouse commit a gruesome murder with an axe.
16) BAMBI (1942)
Humans fucking SUCK!
15) PETER PAN (1953)
This guy Mr. Smee shaved a bird’s ass raw and then patted it with both hands while admiring his work.
14) THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1996)
Quasimodo was destined for greatness. His mother straight up outran a horse for quite the long distance with his infant body firmly in her arms.
13) SLEEPING BEAUTY (1959)
Maleficent really did all this because she wasn’t invited to a party. That’s an unfathomable amount of pettiness.
12) CINDERELLA (1950)
The cat was a piece of shit, and the dog saved the day. What else is new?
11) SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
Does Sneezy have the novel coronavirus?
10) PINOCCHIO (1940)
My man Geppetto pulled a whole ass musket out from under his pillow when Pinocchio showed up.
9) BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1991)
Watching Belle and the Beast bicker like an old married couple is endlessly entertaining.
8) LADY AND THE TRAMP (1955)
These two dogs had a better first date than you and your significant other did, and you know it.
7) MULAN (1998)
If that “Be a Man” sequence doesn’t make you feel like running through a wall, you’re not wired properly.
6) ALADDIN (1992)
This is Robin Williams’ cinematic magnum opus. This movie doesn’t exist without him — and if it did, it would have been stillborn. The Genie is the main attraction here.
5) DUMBO (1941)
Dumbo is in the upper echelon of cute Disney characters. And that makes this already sad movie even more painful.
4) HERCULES (1997)
People aren’t aware of this little-known fact: Hades started the “WHAT ARE THOSE?!” trend when he saw Pain wearing some fire Hercules merch on his feet.
3) ALICE IN WONDERLAND (1951)
There’s a lot of anxiety in the world nowadays. Has anybody tried just putting jam on their nose?
2) THE LION KING (1994)
People always talk about how tragic Mufasa’s death was but they forget to mention that Scar looked a vulnerable young Simba in the eyes and told him that his father is dead because of him. That feels just as fucked up, honestly.
1) THE LITTLE MERMAID (1989)
The characters are complex, the songs slap the hardest, and Ariel is the best Disney princess — I will hear absolutely no arguments to the contrary.
In fact, I wrote an essay defending her character against all those who want to slander her in bad faith: Ariel & Motivation
